and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think your dad took our porno
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
