So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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