Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
