I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
