Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
