I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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