"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
