I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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