the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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