I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
