Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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