he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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