I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
