just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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