New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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