he puts the penis in happiness.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
