She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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