I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i out mim tonsoeep
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