so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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