just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
