i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
