so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Randomize
