I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
