The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Come share oat with me in your robe
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
