No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
