News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
