I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You did what with his pubic hair?
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