The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
