Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
