Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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