Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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