dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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