All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
