I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
