You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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