I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
