I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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