Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize