I faked an abortion last night.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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