Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
