I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
