mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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