we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
