I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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