Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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