i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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