The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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