You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
