I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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