Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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