I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
