im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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