i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
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Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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