you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
