I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
