Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
